While working tonight, I looked up to give my eyes a break and realized that my little side kick had passed out in my lap. After I don’t know how long, I caught onto the silence.
I’m really guilty about not praying in the midst of a chaotic day. I royally suck at multi-tasking, so I really only talk to God late at night- long after my guys fall asleep. This is not good, do not follow suit.
My hand was already on Hayden’s back when I realized he was asleep, so I figured it would be a good time. I started out with the usual boring, “Thank you for his health, thank you for allowing me to be his mother, help him to have a good day tomorrow and feel well.” I mean, it’s probably the same exact prayer every Christian mother has prayed since the history of forever- so I’ll spare you the 15 minutes worth of redundant details.
Confession: I actually don’t pray over him near enough, considering the fact that he rules my earthly world- you would think that I have prayed every waking hour over him for my entire 25 years, but I haven’t.
Noted, I need to do better.
So eventually, my dialogue shifted to my own conversation with God. “Help me to be a better mother tomorrow, keep the stresses of adulthood and all that it entails far, far away from my relationship with my family, and with you.”
While I was running my fingers through Hayden’s hair, and worrying about what’s going on in my life, I started asking God to build a defensive, trump style wall between my worries and my child. My thought process was halted and the words “I numbered the hairs on your head.” randomly came crashing to mind, without warning.
Confession #2: I know a lot of verses by heart. I know the words, but not by chapter or by verse. My brain just isn’t capable of this, though I’ve tried. So anyway, 99% of the time I have to google a phrase to figure out where I need to read. I’m the girl at church who when the congregation gets told to turn to Romans, has to flip through the entire book every.single.time. Yep.. The one still noisily turning pages in the back row while you’re trying to listen to the preacher read the 3rd verse… I’m 100% that girl. This is also bad, do not follow suit.
So I thought for a second,
“How strange.. I numbered the hairs on your head….?”
💡 LIGHTBULB! 💡
“And the very hairs on your head are numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.”
And reading on, I discovered Matthew 10:34
“So don’t imagine that I came bringing peace to the Earth! I came not to bring peace, but a sword.”
Do you have the armor of God on? I did not tonight, and I haven’t in a long time. Excuse me while I suit up.
“I numbered the hairs on your head.”
“I NUMBERED the hairs on YOUR head!”
Jesus…Christ knows my own child better than I ever imagined I could in my wildest dreams. As hard to fathom as that is, I love this simple, solemn fact. He knows the NUMBER of hairs on his head- he placed them there! He counted them one by one.
Period. Drop the mic. Done.
I ran my fingers over Hayden’s head and tried to imagine counting them- literally impossible. I know now, the Lord loves my child, far more than I ever possibly could. That’s a LOT, y’all. He knows the number of my hairs as well. Although, it may be hard for him to keep up, with as much hair as I’m losing these days. He loves me exactly like that too, and he doesn’t want me to let earthly matters take control of my thoughts and take away from my joy. The same goes for whoever you are, reading this now.
He created this life for us all to live, and to live fearlessly.
Can you imagine?
“I came not to bring peace, but a sword.”
That’s it. I’m done letting my mind and the enemy take control of my thoughts. It is over. I am fighting to the death for my sanity. Forget what Satan tries to whisper in my ear. I refuse to let him touch my child through me. I am a daughter of the King.
I am so thankful that the Lord sits back and lets me fall short until I reach my breaking point again and again, and yet the second I turn to look for him he is there in an instant, ripping me out of the quicksand with his righteous right hand. This is the definition of mercy.
This is why we were handed a sword, and not a peaceful mind.