Stop self-sabotaging

Anyone else with me?

Let’s have a real talk about self worth.

Potential colleges willing to sign me on for a softball scholarship? No thanks. I had great excuses. It was too cold in Kansas. It was too far from the nothing I was clinging to. It was a commitment.

What even was a commitment?

I sure didn’t know.

All I knew is that I just wanted to graduate early, stay in town, and prove that I could do bad all by myself.. and boy did I succeed at that.

First attempt at college? I simply didn’t apply myself. I didn’t want to try AND fail, so instead I tried TO fail. This took away the chance at unexpected disappointment. It allowed me be in control of the outcome. It gave me bragging rights to say, “I tried college, but my life was too hard.” I had no family support. I had 3 jobs. I was depressed. I was barely surviving. Bologna. It wasn’t impossible, I was just drinking too much- trying to drown out the things I should have been facing all along. Yes, I had a rougher go than most of my peers, but with an attitude adjustment I could have used all of that fear to propel me- I could have been top of my class, and I truly believe that. If only I hadn’t been scared to fail- I might not have failed.

Dating before I met my husband? My motto was, “If they can’t handle me at my worst, they don’t deserve me at my best.”- and my worst was rough enough to push ANY ONE away. I really do hate that phrase these days, it’s nothing more than an excuse to treat people like manure and pretend like it’s all fine and dandy. I was starting to think I’d never settle down. How do you teach yourself to get attached to people after you’ve been abandoned as a child? I still don’t know. I’m still unsure on how my spouse even got me to sit still and commit. Several times in the beginning, he had to drag me back in, with my planted feet and all. He refused to let me run from the reality of actually having a home and someone to share it with. Nobody else ever did that for me. Not only did nobody ever follow me out the door, but I was the one accustomed to having to do the chasing. Every other relationship in my life was skin deep until him-every single one. It wasn’t intentional of course, but I wasn’t even having an honest relationship with myself, much less with the people around me.

So to the people I’ve hurt in the midst of my hurt, whether I was mean to you for no reason, I ghosted you, or I took advantage of your willingness to actually give a damn about me- I’m sorry. Ever heard the phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me.”? Those were the truest words I ever spoke. As sorry as I am to all of those people , I’m even more sorry to myself for not knowing my own value when I was that girl.

To my gals, stop sabotaging your own joy. The devil is a lie. He’s enough of a liar that you don’t have to lie to yourself on top of that.

Know your worth, and adjust your life accordingly.

It’s much less complicated on the other side.

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